Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
false alarm, still single
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
