Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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