After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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