Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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