Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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