I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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