I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
