bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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