paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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