I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So drunk its hurt
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
