i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
