my phone needs a breathalizer
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
