Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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