My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
