Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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