My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
