I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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