You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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