I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
