genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
