You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
