the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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