please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
