Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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