i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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