If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
