i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
