We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
