Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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