I'm gonna have a badass scar
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
