You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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