I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
