So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
