Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
even my farts smell like vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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