This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
