It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
