also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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