i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
