I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
