These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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