Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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