in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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