I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
