I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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