I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
