My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
