I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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