I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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