Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
