i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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