Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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