the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
