He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
