believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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