Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
