Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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