I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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