Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
