when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
