I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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