not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
