3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
